Post Season 4 AU future fic
Oz's dead and he gets to write one last letter.
They're not mine, they never have been and they probably never will be. I promise to put them back when I'm finished although they might be slightly soiled.
Website: Thrown With Great Force
Part of the Dead Letters challenge - http://www.dymphna.net/deadletters/ - and really not one of my more cheerful fics. For Kate and Sun because they thought of this fabby challenge in the first place.
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." – Dorothy Parker
This is about as deep as it gets, I guess.
In the intellectual sense, I mean. Im not in Hell. Or if I am I
kinda expected more. . . fire. And pointy things. Some general
punishment, yknow? But there aint any of that, so Im guessing
that Im not there.
No choirs of seraphims and cherubins, or halos, or clouds, so probably not Heaven
either. Maybe this is purgatory and this is me waiting final judgement.
The cool thing is that it is *just* me. . . a non-wolf all-human me. . . I cant feel
the wolf at all. Maybe its gone off to its own canine version of the
afterlife. Maybe it was only a corporeal thing, that couldnt transcend
Its strange. I got used to the wolf these past three years. I learned
to live with it, the growling, slobbering *animal* that usually lived at
the back of my being, my soul, and it only came out to play when the moon told it to,
Then I could defy the moon, too. But the wolf was still there. And if I stopped
thinking about that for a second, if I was so upset I wasnt concentrating on keeping
the wolf back there, then it broke free. And that scares - *scared*
- me more than I could tell you, more than I could tell anyone.
I remember killing Veruca.
I never used to be able to remember anything when I was the wolf. But I remember
that, I remember the bloodlust pumping at my temples, the taste of her flesh, the warmth
of her blood, the sting of the tranquilliser dart. The wolf-me was in raptures when it
killed, I wanted to do it again and again and again. But the Oz-me that remembered
cant ever forgive himself. When I went to find away to control the wolf, it was
because I couldnt think of any other way to make things *right*.
But that was shown up for the stupid vanity that it was as soon as I got back to
Sunnydale. Fuck, I could have killed Tara. I nearly got everyone else killed in
the Initiative. And still the wolf was there, wanting, *needing* to kill. To
feel that bloodlust again.
I am - I *was* a danger.
And there was nothing left. Id found the cure. It was a placebo. I
was the same as before - no, I was worse. I was fighting a battle with the
wolf and I was losing.
Technically, I lost. The wolf destroyed me. But I took it down with me.
Yknow, it really is far too easy to buy a gun in this country.
I didnt leave a note, I was so determined to do it that I didnt stop to think
of things like that. So Im glad I got this chance. Im sending it to you,
G-man, because I figured youd know how to tell these things to Willow, Devon,
Buffy, Xander, all of them, better than I can. And Im really sorry to put that
burden on you.
But I know youll understand.