Post New Moon Rising.
Willow thinks about Oz.
I don't own Willow, I don't own Tara. I don't own Oz (damn!). This is just something that came out, I think its more from MY point of view than the Willow that's been on the show lately.
This is for myself and someone who I don't need to name.
Sometimes I lie in bed, listening to the sounds of night time. I try to sleep, try to
close my eyes and drift off into the world of my imagination. Sometimes I'm too scared to
sleep, too scared of what I'll dream of. Of what my subconscious wants, of what my mind
wants and my body knows I can never have again.
Tara sometimes will wake up with a start from a bad dream, it gives me something to do
to comfort and sooth her back into sleep. Smoothing her hair like a mother would do to her
small child, making her believe that everything will be okay.
In the wee hours of the morning, when its not even worth it to fall asleep I start
thinking. I start thinking of a person that I will probably never see again, a person that
I may love.
I can't say that I don't love him. I don't know if its become more distant since he's
left me, I sit in bed and wonder if he ever thinks about me. If he ever lets his mind
drift off at night to me, what I'm doing. I do, all of the time. I'll be sitting in Giles
magic shop, doing research, and my mind will just start to wander into Oz land. I wonder
if he's alright, if he's happy. If he's moved on. Its silly to think that he hasn't that
somewhere he's thinking about me, crying over me. He left so I could be happy, so why
can't I just appreciate that and get on with my life?
I hide it well, you know. The pain, the hurt. Everything I feel on the inside. I throw
my voice so I sound like a three year old and smile and act like I'm more and more in love
with Tara. I do love Tara, I love her, but its becoming. . . a sisterly love more
then anything. I can't say that I am *in* love with her. Have you ever heard that saying,
you never get over your first love? I truly believe that. I was in love with Oz, sometimes
I'll think about what would have happened if I had begged him to stay. Thrown myself at
him, crying and screaming not to leave me again.
But that would be not in my nature. It would be Un-Willowy. I go with what's safe, I go
with what needs me most. I go with Tara.
I should have gone with Oz.
I try to tell myself that I did the strong thing in telling him that I was happy. Was I
stronger because I basically told him he couldn't have me? Or was I weak in not telling my
true feelings? Nobody seems to care around me. No one questions my decision, as specially
Tara and Buffy. Nobody ever says his name, they've erased him from their memory. They've
replaced him with Tara. What difference does it mean to them? They're so wrapped up in
their own dramas. . . they can't see the turmoil inside of me. The pain in my eyes when
I'm smiling. Nobody seems to see that.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. When I'm sure that Tara is sound asleep off into
whatever kind of dreams she has. The tears come and wrack my body, making me feel ill and
giving me a headache. I just lie there, thinking of everything Oz ever did for me and cry.
Maybe I'm still in love with him, maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I want it all.
I want to go to Istanbul. I want to dye my hair blue and sit on the steps of some old
museum and wait for him. He'll come for me, eventually. Oz knows these things, maybe its
because he's a werewolf. Maybe its because he's Oz.
I love him. I hate him. I want him to come home, to me. But I'm not home anymore. I've
been put up for auction and sold, I've sold my heart away. I don't know if Oz will ever be
able to buy it back again.