BtVS/Angel/The Big Lebowski
Long Day's Journey
Joss, not me. Coens, not me.
Sometimes, the only place Oz could find himself was in a weird place.
Like a bowling alley in North Hollywood after all the lights went out in LA. He
was going to stop at Angel's new digs, but instead, he found himself there,
drinking a beer and listening to two philosophers explain life, the universe,
With a lot of curse words.
"It's like, very deep, bowling," the Dude explained, taking a swig of his Bud
Light. "You've got the ball and it's like--"
"It's like lining up a Charlie's head in your sights and getting ready to blow
him away," Walter offered.
"What the fuck are you talking about, Walter? Bowling is not like trying to kill
Charlie!" the Dude snapped. "Shit, man, does everything have to be about Nam
Oz nodded, listening. "What do you guys think of the sun thing?" he asked.
"It's a government test of what they're gonna do to that camelfucker in Iraq,"
Walter replied. "Saddam won't know what hit him. Besides, too many dissidents
here. The government is making an example of us."
"Dissidents?" the Dude asked. "Man, that is so uncool. You don't know what
you're talking about, Walter."
"I beg your pardon, Dude," Walter replied curtly. "But who here has intimate
knowledge of the US military? As I recall, you were a non-combatant in Viet Nam.
So who knows what the government is capable of, Dude? Who's seen it with his own
two eyes? Am I wrong?"
Oz managed not to laugh as the Dude took another drink of his beer. "I just
don't think the government would block out the sun, Walter," he said. "Like,
it's my opinion that it would be very uncool of them. Besides, if the government
did it, who the hell are the guys who keep stalking the parking lot? The ones
who suck blood?"
"Genetically altered shock troops. That's why they blocked out the sun, Dude,"
Walter said earnestly. "Saddam and his buddy Osama won't know what hit 'em."
"Are you saying Osama bin Laden is in Baghdad?" the Dude asked, apparently
somewhat riled. "And that those guys in the parking lot are American soldiers?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying, Dude," Walter replied. "What do you think, Mr.
"Uh," Oz said.
"See, our young friend agrees with me," Walter said. "It's your turn to roll,
The Dude, who had clearly been formulating a response along the lines of
"Walter, you're nuts," forgot his agitation, picked up his bowling ball, and
proceeded to roll a spare. Oz, who hadn't wanted to explain that the government
shock troops were actually vampires and it probably wasn't safe for Walter and
the Dude in the bowling alley, breathed a sigh of relief and looked around
At least two of the parties bowling were vamps, yet they seemed absolutely
disinterested in anything other than the game. In fact, the two vamps in game
face were arguing about whether or not one of the vamp's feet had slipped over
"So have any of the shock troops tried to eat you?" Oz asked as the Dude
returned and Walter got up to bowl.
"Yeah, man, once or twice," the Dude said. "I think they were drunk. I offered
them a j and they got off my case. Particularly when they noticed the outfit.
Like, it's cool. I explained that it wasn't really my idea of a good time to be
eaten, and they, like, decided that was a good idea. A couple of 'em are
thinking about joining the league. And it's like, right on."
"Wow," Oz said. "Groovy."
"Indeed," the Dude said, taking another drink of his beer. "So, Oz. Gonna be
with us a while?"
"I think I might be," Oz said, finishing his own beer and trying to decide which
ball, if any, would be his speed. "If that's okay with you."
"Hey, man, whatever," the Dude said. "It's bowling, and like, that's the secret
of the universe. You know?"
And as Walter walked back toward them, having bowled another strike, and the two
vamps continued to scuffle, Oz knew exactly what the Dude meant.